The Unabridged Version of a Rational Emotional Mind

You come to a new city  You like the vibe You like the people You like the freedom that comes with new beginnings A chance to paint on a fresh canvas And so you paint stories Memories etch deep into your heart New nooks and corners discovered New chapters added To the story of your life But then In some odd corners of your heart There sits a lonely bird Beckoning you to come back Look into the caged memories Of cities past People left behind Places forgotten And on some random day You feel a yearning A wish to go back to where you came from Touch familiar grounds once more Hug familiar bodies Feel like you are home... Once Again But on those days you realise When you stepped out Of places and people You once called home You did shut a door down And only left a window open And now Even as you yearn For a walk back All you can do Is take a look from the window Never to enter from those doors again Of cities past Places left behind People...f...

On my 21 st birthday my parents gifted me a ring. My fascination for this mundane piece of jewelry was so much that I have been wearing the ring every day for the rest of my life so far, only removing it when I take a bath. But then, whenever I have to leave my home for a duration longer than a day, say for college in another city, I have to keep the ring back at home, lest my forgetful brain loses it to time and good old lapse of memory. But each time I remove my ring and leave the house, my fingers start to feel as if something is missing. If you look carefully, they even have the marks of my ring having occupied its rightful place on my hand. I keep feeling the physical ramifications of not wearing the ring, even as I go about my days. The odd sensation of ‘something is missing’ continues to linger through. Now why did I go about elaborately explaining my relationship with a random piece of jewelry? Well, over the past few weeks I encountered a lot of people in my life, losing ...

When I was young, I wanted to be a doctor. Cliché I know, but that’s what baby Shar wanted till age 12. But then in 6 th grade, science split into physics, chemistry and biology, and baby Shar threw her dreams of being a doctor out the window. I loved science but I loved social sciences more. I was called SST for a reason, mind you : p. By the time, I reached 10 th I knew I was gonna pick up humanities in 11 th grade; I wanted to be a civil servant. IFS officer to be precise! I fueled that fire for four years, from 8 th to 12 th grade. I even wanted to pick up sociology in 11 th , but what I got was psychology. And as luck would have it, even though high school Shar wanted to be a civil servant, her newfound love for psychology was taking over. And by the time applications for under-graduation began to roll out, adolescent me had thrown her UPSC dreams out the window too. Now I wanted to be a psychologist. I was good at the subject. I still am. But after three years of graduat...

  My last love took away my will for commitment, my ability to dream about a future, my desire to raise a family. My last love took away my capacity to love someone, my potential to trust, my wish to feel loved My last love took away the little bit of hope I had left in me, the feeling that I deserved to be loved, my confidence in my capacity to love My last love took away the innocence of my soul, the permanence my mind could fathom and the flames inside my body My last love took away my wish to see the things we dreamt of seeing together, the life that we dreamt of living together, the experiences we hoped of having...Together My last love took away a part of me that I can never have back, a part of me that will always be dead, a part of me that grew with him My last love took away all this, not because he could, but because I let him And now I grieve the loss of someone who is still alive I grieve the loss of a part of me that I always thought would stay alive ...

19 th July 2017 – my very first day of college life... It was a rainy day like today. In fact, my whole neighbourhood was flooded. I remember waking up super early that day, disappointed that I won’t be able to make it. I remember asking my dad if he could drop me. It was a gamble for his car, to say the least. You see, when I say floods in my neighbourhood, it is not the usual water here and there, difficulty in walking kind. It is knee-deep water capable of seeping inside cars, jamming parts, and everything associated with the chaos. Dad still chose to say yes. And so we began, my very first day of college with an adventure... I still don’t know how my dad managed to pull the car out of the ocean surrounding my house. But he did, and I will always be grateful that he did. And so I arrived, on the pedestal of Daulat Ram College at 8.05 am on that chilly Wednesday morning. By then, it was only a light drizzle, the kind that makes you believe for a split second that all is well wit...

Most days I don’t understand you. You have made me so numb and passive and protective of my own self that I sometimes really don’t know how life would have been if I never knew you. I feel you took away a lot of my chances for happiness. All the physical pain I have felt because of you makes me feel very stupid and ashamed of myself. I really wish I didn’t have to beat myself up so bad. I really wish I knew how to never let you be a part of my life. I hate the days you make me cry at night wishing things would go back to how they were. I really don’t know if who I am right now is who I would have been if you never came into my life. I really wish life would give me less of you. You have made me numb and untrusting of the world. I really wish I never met you. I really wish I didn’t have to feel all the things I did because of you. I could go to any lengths to never meet you again. You are the only permanent thing in my life. I will always have you. You have shaped my life, my ca...

It has been roughly four years since I have been a legal adult. But, even now, nothing has ever made me feel like one. It is not like I don’t have adult responsibilities or make adult choices; it is more like even when I do such things I always feel like a kid placed in an adult world, attempting to act like one. I cannot count the number of times I have done something super adult-ish, and the kid inside me starts to scream, “Did you really do that!?” Growing up has always been a game of trial and error, and in my case, I really don’t know if I have leveled up yet. Sure my body tells me that there is nothing more to grow, but my little mind is still stuck in her school days. I always thought my love for learning was its own means to an end. But now I know, being a student is just my way to slow down the process of growing up as much as I can. Sure, the responsibilities keep building up, but there is always room for error. I cannot explain how much becoming an employed person petr...

Have you ever noticed that some people can do the absolute bare minimum for you and possess all of your heart? While there are others who can bring the whole world to your knees and you still won’t be as impressed? One ‘hello’ from exhibit A will send you flying into the abyss of bliss, while a long anthology of affection from exhibit B will only get a mere ‘meh’ from you. Alternatively, there must also be people who can put you into a flaming rage by just breathing. And then there are some who can drag you into the pit of fire themselves and you still won’t get angry with them.   Is it just me? Or do you also have people that you treat differently based on how you ‘think’ they make you feel? Well for me, I came to a realization this morning that it never was about the person on the other end. It was about the power I chose to give them over me. How we react to the actions of others is not a reflection of them as people, but a display of the power that we choose to give t...

I have always enjoyed poetry that tells a story along the way. I have read poetry books that weave a beautiful pattern of emotions, one idea tied to the other so meticulously that they have to be read in a certain order to make the most sense. Along these lines, I wrote a few poems in the past few weeks that feebly attempt to weave a story of love lost and the self regained. Enjoy! And let me know what you think... Love That Left the Candy Store Today I feel lonely   There are no distractions in my life I tried to fill up the empty space you left With temporary things and temporary people   But when they left too I couldn't help but think about you How the idea of your presence was enough To keep my worries at bay How one word of love was enough To keep me going throughout the day   I hate this distance That fate has brought between us The only permanent thing in our life right now   I wish I could turn back time Do things ...

For everyone who is using social media during these trying times, I am sure we must have faced this internal dilemma – should we post happy things anymore or not? I remember quite recently, on International Mother’s Day, there were quite a few posts beckoning people to not post stories celebrating their mothers in honor of all the people who lost their parent in this crisis. A lot of my fellow content creators must have also been hit by the wave of guilt for continuing to post their material, mostly which are aimed to entertain people in one way or the other. Now, I see three types of social media posts these days (with their own permutations and combinations of course!) 1. Pandemic information providers: Those who are actively working towards sharing verified information on key medical resources 2. Political stance defenders: Those who actively share posts that defend their political stance in this situation 3. ‘As is’ content posters: People like me who are continuing to post c...

  I write this with the heaviest of hearts. And for once, I can be fully sure that if you are reading this, you share in this common pain humanity is going through these days. The past week has been especially trying for me at a personal level. Waking up to deaths each day sounds chaotic and uncalled for. But it is the state of affairs now. Those like us who are alive and well, find ourselves stuck in this eternal loop of guilt and grief - The guilt of waking up each morning to languish in the grief of losing those who didn’t get to see the sunrise again. It is called survivor’s guilt - This collective feeling of helplessness that we are going through, trying to help those in need in the best ways we can. I have never seen humanity rise up to a challenge like this ever in my lifetime. I am proud and saddened at the same time, that this awakening of human kindness came in the rudest of manners. We keep asking God or whichever higher power we believe in, the reasons for this un...

“One of my oldest memories of school is walking past the school library and wondering what the world inside looked like. You see, as a 3 rd grade student we had only newly acquired the privilege to stand in the school’s main assembly ground. Getting into the school library was a very far cry back then. During our library period, our librarian would bring certain comic books and magazines that she deemed fit for reading at our age. I must say, her choice wasn’t very imaginative. But it was probably the best way I could enter into the world of words and the puzzles that authors would create weaving one word into another. Grade 5 – I finally get to see the insides of the library. Back then it was on the second floor of the main block. Books piled high onto shelves ten times my size. I can still recall the loud gasp I let out, wondering how to reach that top shelf in the reference section that had that one encyclopedia on butterflies (and other insects) that I so badly wanted to see. ...

Lately I have been contemplating a lot about my past. Courtesy to all the free time during this pandemic! I came to realise that over the years I developed a lot of anger and resentment against people who chose to exit my life with or without a warning. My argument – how can someone choose to leave after I invested so much of my time and energy into them! Now I realise that I was acting like an investment banker who did not get the expected profits from a startup they helped stand on its feet. That sounds a little crude, doesn’t it? Yesterday while preparing for my final exams I came across a concept, it’s more like an idea that said – all human interaction is based on three underlying principles – to give, to receive and to repay. I guess my resentment came out of the belief that these humans who chose to leave never repaid for the love and care I gave them. So much for unconditional love right! But then, I came across this quote on a wallpaper that read – ‘Everyone’s love looks d...

Disclaimer: This piece might come out as a very unpopular opinion. But if you are reading this, please read it till the end. The title must have made it amply clear as to what I wish to talk about today- the killing of a 26 year woman in broad daylight by her husband with countless people in attendance doing absolutely nothing. I am sure most of us have been enraged by the act along with cluelessly wondering as to why no one came up to save the poor soul. I wish to answer part of our doubts with a psychological theory that states to explain why people don’t stand up to help in public. This is not the first time we are seeing public passiveness as a factor leading to avoidable deaths. Countless accident victims lose their lives every day just because no one had the courage to help them- fearing the consequences and worrying about the hassle. Well this happens due to something called ‘diffusion of responsibility’. In simple terms, envision a huge crowd in an auditorium, when asked ...

For everyone born after 1996, Pokémon has been a quintessential childhood memory that has moulded our psyches down to the very core. I got the opportunity to re-watch the series with my little cousins after almost a decade today. When we re-watch something after ages, especially after having grown out of the obsessive phase, we see the whole thing with a fresh perspective. I learnt a lesson today – all thanks to Bulbasaur, the cute grass type Pokémon that Ash owns since season 1 of the series. In episode 51 of the first season, we see Bulbasaur come face to face with a fleet of Ivysaur (the evolved version of Bulbasaur) and a Venusaur (Final Evolution Stage of Bulbasaur) upset at the former for not evolving. The whole episode maps out a tussle between the more evolved species trying to persuade Bulbasaur to grow up and not delay the process. By the end of the episode, Bulbasaur manages to convince them through his act of saving them from Team Rocket that he doesn’t have to grow up ...

I am somebody who always uses this phrase as freely as I can. Some say it trivializes the emotion. I say it personalizes it. The meaning of the ‘I love you’ I say to my best friend is different from the ‘I love you’ I say to my mother. Sometimes the ‘I love you’s we say to the same person may mean a thousand different things. I remember, before I finally moved out of my house last month, the ‘I love you’ my best friend said to me was a little prayer wishing me well and a hope to meet again soon someday. But then, sometimes we meet these people that we love and adore sooo much, but are drastically afraid to utter this phrase to, only because we fear we will ruin the bond we share. We may show the emotion in a thousand different ways. By pulling their legs as far as we can, by yelling at them for not hydrating enough, by shooting daggers at them periodically or by simply drooling over their presence. Today I write this to tell you that if you have such people in your life, that you...

Can we miss experiences we have never had? People we have never met. Places we have never been. I have come to realise that we can. And I know once you finish reading this, you will too. When I started looking for places to start my Masters journey, I was deliberately looking for places away from home. Not because I dread the warmth of a family and the peace that comes with familiar places, but because I wanted to explore life for what it truly is and be responsible for my own self for once. As luck would have it, I did end up in literal heaven on earth, a sprawling 300 acre of forest land for a college campus with deer and peacocks to accompany my walks to the department. I found a family in my classmates and seniors sooner than I ever have in the two decades that I have walked on this earth. Now the catch is, I am sure you must have guessed it already. Neither have I ever set foot in this place that I now call home nor have I ever met the people that I call my family. And yet, ...

I feel like a visitor in this home now This castle of dreams that we built With future wishes and present memories With promises that we couldn't keep   I thought I could stay un-named Near the fire we are now trying to build From the embers of the love that were forced to die down By winds of change we could never predict   I tried and tried hard To unlearn habits I had come to love Relearn new patterns to survive Outside the shadow of your presence Away from the guilt of the pain   It is harder than I thought Relying on myself again Having learnt to navigate through life Together as one   But now I know I have to If I have any shot at redemption From this pain I am feeling This ache in my chest   All this will be new Learning to live a life without you I pray I find the strength to carry through Knowing that you will be safe too   No matter where life takes us Know this always I have and will always love you ...

In the Netflix series ‘The Crown’ an interesting sub-plot that unfolds is the love story of Princess Margaret. Her love for her father, The King’s equerry Peter Townsend meets a lot of challenges which the couple overcome over the years only to face the final ‘no’ and part ways eventually. As they bid goodbye they vow to each other, never to love another person or marry in this lifetime. Years later, Princess Margaret receives a letter from Peter Townsend stating that he has now found someone that he wishes to marry and wants her permission to break the vow they took. Watching the episode, I began to wonder what Princess Margaret’s mental state would have been after reading this letter from the man she loved dearly, finally finding the happiness they wished for together, but with someone else. And here is me, eternally obsessed with the series now, trying to pen down what her thoughts might have been like – about love and eternal bliss. When I was younger I thought love was t...

I recently started watching the series 'The Crown' based on the reign of Queen Elizabeth II. In one of the episodes, The Queen and her husband Prince Philip contemplate on how to make their marriage work since they can not effectively ever have a formal divorce. The gripping episode made me rethink of how relationships are broken not at the snap of a moment. But the tension builds over  a matter of days, months and even years, till the breaking point. I took this thought and tried to write an imaginary letter that an estranged wife writes to her husband, months before she finally decides to part ways. I have titled the piece, 'Moments before the Last Good Bye' and here it goes... I am trying to recall the reasons why I agreed to be with you. I think, back then I was quite afraid to be lonely. In you, I saw a fair deal of a challenge. But today, I have come to realise that being married to someone requires a lot of compromise and emotional patience. And I don’t think I h...