Learning to Love Myself Again

-

I feel like a visitor in this home now

This castle of dreams that we built

With future wishes and present memories

With promises that we couldn't keep

 

I thought I could stay un-named

Near the fire we are now trying to build

From the embers of the love that were forced to die down

By winds of change we could never predict

 

I tried and tried hard

To unlearn habits I had come to love

Relearn new patterns to survive

Outside the shadow of your presence

Away from the guilt of the pain

 

It is harder than I thought

Relying on myself again

Having learnt to navigate through life

Together as one

 

But now I know I have to

If I have any shot at redemption

From this pain I am feeling

This ache in my chest

 

All this will be new

Learning to live a life without you

I pray I find the strength to carry through

Knowing that you will be safe too

 

No matter where life takes us

Know this always

I have and will always love you

But right now I need to learn to love myself a little too

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unattainable

-
In life sometimes We meet people Who catch our eyes Meet our gaze And yet Feel incredibly out of reach All we can do then Is look at them With awe and wonder   I had a boy like this in my life I was twelve back then Summer camp of ‘11   There are only glimpses of him  Left in my mind He used to sing incredibly well I think he was older too We never spoke To each other   I do not know If I wanted to be friends with him Or if I wanted to be like him Is this what... Longing for companionship feels like? Or did I just want to emulate Everything that twelve-year-old me Fathomed that unattainable boy to be?   It has been a decade since…   I saw him again today Memories faded The fascination remains   We did not speak…yet again But somehow, I felt giddy Familiar feelings resurfaced again Starry-eyed twelve-year-old Returning Fathoming...the unattainable Wondering Why?
Read more

A reason, a season or a lifetime

-
It's been a week since we have entered the new year of possibilities. Our spirits are high, our convictions stronger than ever, and we are riding the high that comes with this new season. I am closer than ever to my quarter-life crisis. This puts me in a place of abundant reminiscence. During such a period of walking down memory lane, I could not help but recall the many people who have come and gone from my life in these two-odd decades I have spent on this earth. And this is what I want to talk about today. How every person we meet are there in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime... The fruit that falls off the tree: Some people come into our lives to fulfil a very specific purpose. Most often the reason is some inevitable lesson we need to learn to grow and become our best selves. Such people are like fruits that fall off the tree. We get to enjoy their company and presence for a short while, but as they fade away, all that is left is the seed of the lesson we were me...
Read more

PhD and Periods

-
It’s been ten months since I joined my PhD program and it seems like sufficient time for me to talk about my experience so far – specifically about…my menstrual cycle! I have been an academic girlie my whole life, but I never quite realized how much my hormonal cycle was affecting my work productivity, till I joined for PhD. The most salient feature of any PhD program is the need for self-discipline and the volume of creativity to get through any work assignment that comes one’s way. This means that for the first time in 25 years – I was the true master of my own time. I believe this is the reason why in over a decade of being declared a woman, my brain never registered signs of my body backing down, each time I was close to my periods. Having a factory-set routine can really numb these signs. I was proud of myself for being able to travel four hours a day, work eight hours, six days a week and then make it to church every Sunday. But ever since last October, when my body finally had...
Read more

To the friends of my friends

-
I like the friends of my friends. The same-city friends of my long-distance bestie. The college friends of my school friends. The childhood friends of my adult friends. The guy friends of my girl friends and the girl friends of my guy friends.  I see the joy in their eyes when they talk about these people, some who were there before me and those who came after me. There is something magical about knowing that even if nothing else ties me to these people, we are united on one front - being there for our friend. The sense of camaraderie, joy and fulfillment I gain by knowing that someone else cares for someone I love in ways I can't, is inexplicable.  It makes me realize that I play a very specific role in each of my friends' lives and they in mine. Meaning - no one person can fulfill the other's every need - no matter what! While I can be a sounding board for my long-distance besties, I can't help them move flats, sitting miles away. With some friends, I can jam to all k...
Read more

Branches in the Sacred Timeline of Life

-
When I was young, I wanted to be a doctor. Cliché I know, but that’s what baby Shar wanted till age 12. But then in 6 th grade, science split into physics, chemistry and biology, and baby Shar threw her dreams of being a doctor out the window. I loved science but I loved social sciences more. I was called SST for a reason, mind you : p. By the time, I reached 10 th I knew I was gonna pick up humanities in 11 th grade; I wanted to be a civil servant. IFS officer to be precise! I fueled that fire for four years, from 8 th to 12 th grade. I even wanted to pick up sociology in 11 th , but what I got was psychology. And as luck would have it, even though high school Shar wanted to be a civil servant, her newfound love for psychology was taking over. And by the time applications for under-graduation began to roll out, adolescent me had thrown her UPSC dreams out the window too. Now I wanted to be a psychologist. I was good at the subject. I still am. But after three years of graduat...
Read more

Everyone’s Love Looks Different

-
Lately I have been contemplating a lot about my past. Courtesy to all the free time during this pandemic! I came to realise that over the years I developed a lot of anger and resentment against people who chose to exit my life with or without a warning. My argument – how can someone choose to leave after I invested so much of my time and energy into them! Now I realise that I was acting like an investment banker who did not get the expected profits from a startup they helped stand on its feet. That sounds a little crude, doesn’t it? Yesterday while preparing for my final exams I came across a concept, it’s more like an idea that said – all human interaction is based on three underlying principles – to give, to receive and to repay. I guess my resentment came out of the belief that these humans who chose to leave never repaid for the love and care I gave them. So much for unconditional love right! But then, I came across this quote on a wallpaper that read – ‘Everyone’s love looks d...
Read more

Coffee and Complaining

-
I don’t talk about my faith very much. Even though it is one of the most important aspects of my life, I have always presented a watered-down, secular version of it in public. But that is really not the case. In an attempt to make weekend plans with me, a very close friend of mine said, “I keep losing you to church”. Interestingly, that has always been the case. Since I was a very little kid, Sundays were always for church. For twenty-five years, my schedule looked like this – Monday to Saturday: School/College/Work; Sunday: Church. You may ask – when does this girl take a break? Honestly, I don’t think I have had one till I entered into my PhD program and switched to taking up remote work assignments. Sundays continue to remain for church. But this is not about how I spend my Sundays – this is about my faith journey. Five minutes ago, in my morning worship, I read this Bible verse – ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news’ (Romans 10:15b). And it follows ‘faith co...
Read more

Humility and Joy

-
My dearest Binu achen, I'm sitting here at church. It's the 8th of June. In a week from now, it will be seventeen years since you left for your heavenly abode. The educational scholarship offering we collect in honour of your memory... it's helped so many kids study in the past two decades. Is it a coincidence that your death anniversary coincides with my ammachi's? I think not. You were one of the few people who smiled with their eyes - true Joy's fruit of the Spirit. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news - in my room at home in Kerala, far away from reality. I never got to see you then. I was too young to understand the depth of the loss when you passed away. A part of me is glad that the only image in my head of you is the smiling, cheerful one.  Every time I pick a badminton racket, I remember you. The centre youths host a badminton tournament in your name every year. In all of Lord's glory, atleast we know that you left this world doing what ...
Read more
-
I am back at my maiden home for a couple of days, and I find myself constantly hovering around my parents, especially my mother. I don’t want anything from her, I just want her in the same room – even if it is just us sitting and doing our own thing. I just want to see her. Ever since I got married, I find myself constantly reaching out to my mother every time I am overwhelmed in an alien situation or unable to handle my own feelings. This time when I came home, I found my mother telling me how once your parents die, there is no one truly yours left on this earth – your siblings have their own families and so do your adult children; you have your husband, but no one you could rely on like your mother. This conversation flipped another script in my head – Am I ready to be what my mother is to me? If you raise a child fairly well in this world, chances are, they will need you for the rest of your life. So I ask myself - Am I ready to be a mom? Well, I don’t know the answer yet. I t...
Read more

And the dominoes are falling

-
When I was young, I desperately wanted to be an adult. A decade ago, I became one, and what a glorious run it has been - the freedom, the autonomy, the ability to make my own choices! But now, I am tired. The responsibilities are slowly weighing on my shoulders. I don't want to be a child, go into my past - those were never my glory days. But I am also dreading my present, not because I don't have the things I always dreamt of, but because I do. When the fictional universe declared 'with great freedom comes great responsibility', I never realised what it meant, until now.  For the past two months, since the moment I turned twenty seven, a quiet demon has possessed me - I am sad, perpetually sad. Sad because I can't see a future beyond thirty. Sad because the world keeps screaming war at me. Sad because I can't decide if I want to bring new life into this seemingly horrible world. Where is hope? I somehow can't seem to find it. But here we are and this is lif...
Read more