Dear Grief,

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Most days I don’t understand you. You have made me so numb and passive and protective of my own self that I sometimes really don’t know how life would have been if I never knew you. I feel you took away a lot of my chances for happiness.

All the physical pain I have felt because of you makes me feel very stupid and ashamed of myself. I really wish I didn’t have to beat myself up so bad. I really wish I knew how to never let you be a part of my life.

I hate the days you make me cry at night wishing things would go back to how they were. I really don’t know if who I am right now is who I would have been if you never came into my life.

I really wish life would give me less of you. You have made me numb and untrusting of the world. I really wish I never met you. I really wish I didn’t have to feel all the things I did because of you. I could go to any lengths to never meet you again.

You are the only permanent thing in my life. I will always have you. You have shaped my life, my career, my choices, and my relationships more than anything else ever has.

You changed me. I am who I am, but I really wonder who I could have been, if you were never around. The ‘What if’ will always haunt me. And I will never know if who I am today is who I would have been if I had made better choices in life. Ones that would never lead me to you!

But then again, that is life I guess. You will always be a part of me. How big and overpowering? Thankfully, I get to choose that for myself. And so I chose, to not let you rule over me, but for me to grow with, around you – stronger and braver and loving of my own self, with each passing day.

I guess I am stuck with you. So I might as well learn to accept you for what you are. For what is grief if not love that stayed behind...!

Love always (though not willing yet...but eventually I am sure),

Yet another grieving soul

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