Moments before the Last Good Bye

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I recently started watching the series 'The Crown' based on the reign of Queen Elizabeth II. In one of the episodes, The Queen and her husband Prince Philip contemplate on how to make their marriage work since they can not effectively ever have a formal divorce.

The gripping episode made me rethink of how relationships are broken not at the snap of a moment. But the tension builds over  a matter of days, months and even years, till the breaking point.

I took this thought and tried to write an imaginary letter that an estranged wife writes to her husband, months before she finally decides to part ways. I have titled the piece, 'Moments before the Last Good Bye' and here it goes...

I am trying to recall the reasons why I agreed to be with you. I think, back then I was quite afraid to be lonely. In you, I saw a fair deal of a challenge. But today, I have come to realise that being married to someone requires a lot of compromise and emotional patience. And I don’t think I have any of that right now.

I thought love is the greatest emotion of all. But today I know pain is. Love is like opium, pain is like a thousand daggers on your back. Love is bearable, pain is not. I stayed because the love I had for you was greater than the pain I felt. But today, I am not so sure.

If I am not someone you want around you in your deepest pain I wonder what my place truly is in your life. Yes, I asked for space. But at least I gave a warning. You came in and took what you needed without thinking twice about how it is going to hit me. I thought about this for weeks – even beginning the conversation of asking for some space. I thought space is what I needed. But today I realise, all I wanted was your attention. Undivided if possible, fleeting if not.

I have never asked for things. Whenever I have, I have paid the price. You ask me to freely express my emotions. But when I do, you crumble. And then I am left handling all of you and what is left of me.

You say needs unexpressed does not mean they don’t exist. Well, I won’t know what you need until you tell me. You let your past dictate your thoughts so much more than the present before your eyes. I don’t know what to do or say to convince you to see the world for what it is and not for what it might turn out to be. We are not them. They are not us. Our story and journey is and will always be fundamentally different from every experience you or the people around you have had in the past.

You say you can’t change the way you are. Then give me time to live with who you are. They say marriage is a choice we have to make every morning. I chose to be with you when I woke up today. I don’t know how many of these mornings are left, before the river that flows in me runs dry.


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