Keeper of my Soul

If I ever lost my memory, who would I trust to bring it back to me? I saw this question online today, and it got me thinking. Would it be my parents, my partner, or my friends? Or would I look at my diaries, blog posts, and journal entries? I landed on someone, but obvious- someone who has seen every version of me and won't shy away from telling me things the way they were and not the way I construed them to be. Someone who remembers my childhood better than I do, someone who has seen me closely enough to know which parts of me are worth remembering and which can be left in the unknown.

If you haven't guessed who the person is - it's my sister. We share the same blood and brain cells. I know she gets most of her personality from me (even though she might never admit it). She somehow managed to become a saner, more confident version of who I could be. And that's one reason I would trust her to restore my memory.

Having a sibling to grow up with is probably the greatest blessing one could have. You learn to see the world through their eyes and show them yours in ways only they can see it. They know you the longest, long after your parents are gone, long before your partner and sometimes even before your lifelong friends show up. They see the authentic, unhinged version of you - the one that shows up in bouts of anger and periods of silence, the one that grieves silent losses and celebrates quiet joys. 

They are there with you through your darkest days and the first person to witness your smallest achievements. They somehow manage to live in the same house yet experience entirely different childhoods. When they finally move out, home never remains the same. There is a void that only the timbre of their laughter can fill, and once it's gone, it never returns in the same way.

My sister and I have gone through all the phases - me coddling her as a baby, us going to school together, me graduating high school in a different city, her being in school when I entered college, my moving away while she stayed home, me coming back only for her to fly away, my wedding and now her inevitable homecoming. We have spent countless birthdays and New Year's apart. She has gone on family trips that I was miles away to join. I have seen our parents age in a way that she never got to witness, and now she is back, and I might never get to experience the mundane joys of being home again. 

Growing up changed us a lot. It may be a universal experience that warring siblings when young become each other's greatest allies as they grow up. On the contrary, I have seen siblings grow older and war again - over property, responsibility towards their parents, or unresolved resentment that grew into an untamable monster over the years.

Do I anticipate my relationship with my sister going in that direction? I don't. What I am most excited about is seeing her with my children. I know they will find their biggest supporter and confidant in her. But more than that, I know she will be able to share memories of the versions of me that I would have long forgotten by then.

Now I know this doesn't mean that only people with siblings have such an intimate experience. I know from my husband's firsthand accounts of his childhood that some of his friends were nothing less than brothers beyond blood ties. And I have seen it in action, the way they support each other through financial crisis, loss of a parent, breakups, and just the general need to rant their angst and anxiety out.

There is something inherently beautiful about someone knowing your soul in ways even you can't. Some of us are lucky to share blood with them, some we meet along the way, and some we marry. I won't call them soulmates. They are more keepers of our souls, nurturing and protecting the flame of our authenticity like no other; grounding us in ways only they can, showing us parts of ourselves that we sometimes forget and oftentimes choose to ignore. They are our mirror and our shield. Our biggest critic and fiercest supporter.

Who would you trust your memories with? For me, it would be my sister. After all, she is the keeper of my soul...