And the dominoes are falling

When I was young, I desperately wanted to be an adult. A decade ago, I became one, and what a glorious run it has been - the freedom, the autonomy, the ability to make my own choices! But now, I am tired. The responsibilities are slowly weighing on my shoulders. I don't want to be a child, go into my past - those were never my glory days. But I am also dreading my present, not because I don't have the things I always dreamt of, but because I do.

When the fictional universe declared 'with great freedom comes great responsibility', I never realised what it meant, until now. 

For the past two months, since the moment I turned twenty seven, a quiet demon has possessed me - I am sad, perpetually sad. Sad because I can't see a future beyond thirty. Sad because the world keeps screaming war at me. Sad because I can't decide if I want to bring new life into this seemingly horrible world. Where is hope? I somehow can't seem to find it. But here we are and this is life and these are the cards that have been handed to me.

Last year, we as a family faced a domino of health scares. My injury made me aware of the friaility of my physical being. Now every time I walk, I praise the Lord who set me free. 

Today, a new set of domino has started falling - a parental figure passed away - my husband's best friend's mom. 12 pm - we are dancing to the action songs at a youth conference. 12.10 - we are sitting outside the church dreading the reality of the news. 

12.30 - we are standing infront of a loud crowd, trying to drown the scream in our heads. 

Here we are, adults, responsible, committed. Here we are, kids who lost a parent. The first of the lot. We are entering the age where people our parents' age have started to leave us. On one side we are wondering if we want kids, on the other, our parents are dying. 

People we love replaced with the quiet memory of them. We recall the last moment we spoke of them. We try to think of the good times. 

Booking tickets to attend the funeral. Trying to figure out how many leaves we can spare. Should I stay or should I go? I have classes to take. Plans for the week. 

Adulthood is hard. But what's hardest is the moment we are reminded that we were once little kids dreaming to be who we are today. Not knowing that part of growing up, is losing the people you love.