Precocious Grief

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I have been sitting with this thought for months now. Virtually unable to pen it down until I saw this reel that really triggered me enough to let my emotional bucket overflow. I am reaching an age where chances of me losing a loved one to time are greater than finding new souls to call my own. And I don’t know what I am supposed to do with that. I am a future-focused thinker, no matter how hard I try to be present in the moment. So when I meet my friends, or talk to my parents, sit with my partner, or laugh with my sister, I am actively dreaming up a reality in my head where they won’t be with me. Then there is also the thought, What if I am the one to fade away first? I am petrified of what my last memory would be in the minds of the people who matter to me. Since ammachi’s death I have been extra careful of how I end conversations and meetings with people who own a part of my soul. Is this normal? – To experience grief way before I have truly experienced it as reality. Am I losing out on life by not living in the present? I really can’t help it though. I am petrified of how I will be when the inevitable grief reaches my doorstep. Who will I become? Will I forget the sound of their voice, their special way of enunciating each word, the way they like their coffee, the colour of their eyes, how their hair sparkles in the sun? Will time take it all away? How do I keep these memories I know I will lose with time, safe? How does one really preserve the memory of a person for when they have left this earth?

The more people we love, the more we are setting ourselves up to experience grief later. To love and to lose might be the greatest experience life has to offer us. But I am not sure I am ready for it all. I have just gotten old enough to understand what grief feels in my bones. To make it my reality, that is not something I am ready for. Maybe I am thinking about it too soon, but I think I like to be prepared than caught off guard. So now, I have already grieved the loss of my parents, my next steps if I lose my partner, my friends, my sister. I even have a plan for what I will do if I am the one to fade away first (that is if I am lucky enough to prepare for the inevitable). Is it crude, ominous, pessimistic, sad? Maybe! But I don’t know how else to deal with life and what it will bring…eventually.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJuly 16, 2025 at 7:31 AM

    We need to accept that in parts of life we do not have control. That is why we need God - to have hope in something greater than ourselves. And also why we should be loving on the people closest to us rather than leave it for the next time.

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