The Unabridged Version of a Rational Emotional Mind

I was twelve years old the first time I got to represent my church’s youth wing in a centre-level competition. For context, my church has a youth wing for anyone above the age of 12 till the age of 35/40 to be a part of. Every region with a considerable number of churches becomes a centre (I belong to the one in Delhi), and every year we get together to participate in various competitions (singing, quiz, sports, plays, etc.) and conferences. I have shared about one such conference experience I had as a twelve-year-old before. If you haven’t read about that and are curious to know more, here’s the link - https://blog.sharlinthomas.in/2024/01/one-minute-girl.html Bright-eyed, extremely awkward Shar got the opportunity to use her talents to the best of her abilities. The confidence she gained was reflected in her school performance and in who she was becoming as a person. The first time I got to stay away from home without my parents was when I was fifteen. There was a youth confer...

It’s official! It has been one full year since I stood in front of what felt like a million people and claimed this one man to be my lawfully wedded husband. And what a year it has been! There was unsurmountable joy, irrevocable sadness, fear of the unknown, feeling stuck, peace beyond reason, learning things about oneself like never before, and changes – so many changes! For someone who grew up on order and plans, I watched my world crumble and get back together in a year. I had only heard in myths and stories, how much yoking with someone you call your own could change every part of you. But now, one full trip around the sun as a married woman, I know. So here goes, lessons learnt from season one of the ‘till death do us part’ saga– The curse of newness – When things are new, everything feels giddy. The world opens up to new possibilities that the mind is jet-set-ready to explore. But when the dust settles and the sheen is gone, you realise the importance of what you left behin...

It was a chilly afternoon. We were sitting in class, waiting for our professor to show up. It was one of the few classes in which our brains were really worked up over seemingly fundamental truths and questions to be answered.  One such question we were asked that day was this - Who are you? A simple question at the surface, but something too profound to grapple with. I remember that day, nineteen-year-old me wrote ten long sentences describing my ethnicity, religious affinity, birth order, abilities, talents, various social groups I belonged to, and the roles and titles I held as a person.  Now, twenty-six year old me wonders - if I strip away my social identity and the roles I play, who am I then? Here's what I think -  I am a dreamer. Someone who cooks up stories through her writing, rewrites her past in her brain, and runs the trains of mindless thoughts into her unpredictable future. I love entering into the worlds created by others through their art - be it books, m...

It’s been nearly two years since I started my PhD program, and I have spent most of my time reading the works of those who came before me. I fairly enjoy reading difficult texts. I’ve been the kind of person who, as a child, would read a dictionary for fun, carry it along to decode complex verses in unabridged versions of Shakespearean plays and 18th-century novels. But somehow, despite all that training, I still find academic papers to be the toughest lot I have ever tackled. Having spent one year navigating through corporate jargon at work, I really thought academia would be different. Silly me! At first, I believed it was my lack of conceptual clarity that caused these problems around comprehension. But as time went by, I realised, sometimes it’s really not the reader’s fault! First, I had to figure out how to get through pesky publisher paywalls. Then I realised, it is better to take an open-access publishing as the positionality for my work than struggle senselessly with c...

I have been sitting with this thought for months now. Virtually unable to pen it down until I saw this reel that really triggered me enough to let my emotional bucket overflow. I am reaching an age where chances of me losing a loved one to time are greater than finding new souls to call my own. And I don’t know what I am supposed to do with that. I am a future-focused thinker, no matter how hard I try to be present in the moment. So when I meet my friends, or talk to my parents, sit with my partner, or laugh with my sister, I am actively dreaming up a reality in my head where they won’t be with me. Then there is also the thought, What if I am the one to fade away first? I am petrified of what my last memory would be in the minds of the people who matter to me. Since ammachi’s death I have been extra careful of how I end conversations and meetings with people who own a part of my soul. Is this normal? – To experience grief way before I have truly experienced it as reality. Am I losing o...

My dearest Binu achen, I'm sitting here at church. It's the 8th of June. In a week from now, it will be seventeen years since you left for your heavenly abode. The educational scholarship offering we collect in honour of your memory... it's helped so many kids study in the past two decades. Is it a coincidence that your death anniversary coincides with my ammachi's? I think not. You were one of the few people who smiled with their eyes - true Joy's fruit of the Spirit. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news - in my room at home in Kerala, far away from reality. I never got to see you then. I was too young to understand the depth of the loss when you passed away. A part of me is glad that the only image in my head of you is the smiling, cheerful one.  Every time I pick a badminton racket, I remember you. The centre youths host a badminton tournament in your name every year. In all of Lord's glory, atleast we know that you left this world doing what ...

In the enchanted forest, only the strong survive. In this magical place, mortals and souls collide, mortals on earth, souls in heaven, divided by a mirror-like dimension, with the mortals desperately attempting to bring the souls earth-side. When two mortals forge an alliance, they form a bond strong enough to pull the souls into their world. We call them soul-ties, the bonds these mortals form with the souls on the other side of the mirror, only to catch a glimpse of the souls sometimes. The souls reflect all that is good, the mortals live in a world full of evil. Some debate the value of pulling souls into the sinful world, away from eternal happiness. But for most mortals, these souls are the only way they can experience a glimpse of what heaven looks like. I am a mortal who entered into this magical enchanted forest without an invitation. My only qualification was the newly forged alliance with another mortal. Soul-ties are a product of love they say. And in our little universe...

I just read on the internet that at 26, you are only on the first season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. And this got me thinking. Where exactly am I in the 'first season' of this life? 1. I am on my 20th day of re-starting to work out again. 2. It's my first month of learning how to play the violin. 3. My fifth month of being married. 4. Eight months since I published my first research paper in an International Journal. 5. A little over a year as a PhD scholar. 6. Two years and two months since I published my first book - Shades of Love. 7. Two years and six months to my very first adult job. 8. Three years to have graduated with a Master's Degree. 9. Three years to have lost my ammachi. 10. I am celebrating the fifth year of my blog on May 7th. 11. Six years since I first learnt how to play the ukulele. 12. Eight years to my first VBS leader experience. 13. Nine years of my bonus life. 14. Ten years since I graduated my 10th grade. 15. Thirteen years since I first felt in love w...

I don’t talk about my faith very much. Even though it is one of the most important aspects of my life, I have always presented a watered-down, secular version of it in public. But that is really not the case. In an attempt to make weekend plans with me, a very close friend of mine said, “I keep losing you to church”. Interestingly, that has always been the case. Since I was a very little kid, Sundays were always for church. For twenty-five years, my schedule looked like this – Monday to Saturday: School/College/Work; Sunday: Church. You may ask – when does this girl take a break? Honestly, I don’t think I have had one till I entered into my PhD program and switched to taking up remote work assignments. Sundays continue to remain for church. But this is not about how I spend my Sundays – this is about my faith journey. Five minutes ago, in my morning worship, I read this Bible verse – ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news’ (Romans 10:15b). And it follows ‘faith co...

I t's 30th January 2025. Another month is coming to an end. The pace at which each day has been moving since I turned an adult is astronomical. Do you feel that way too? It's like each individual day doesn't feel too fast but time in general, it's sprinting. Is time faster than the speed of light? No? It certainly feels so to me. I was sixteen a blink ago. And now I am twenty six. Closer to turning forty than I was to being a goofy ten year old. But that is also the beauty of it all. I have always wanted to be an adult. To have complete autonomy over my time and space. Not to say that I didn't have any growing up. But I find it easier to live with each passing day. Twenty five felt like an awakening. Twenty six feels like an island breeze. I feel calmer, more in control of myself, more willing to make choices that serve me best regardless of how people around me may feel. I also feel my energies shifting. This year I did not cut a birthday cake but I spent a whole w...