What makes you feel the most loved?

Miley Cyrus released her new single titled ‘Flowers’ the other day. While we rave about its musicality and all the records it broke, what that song inspired me to look at, was the way people love and feel loved.

I was talking to my best friend about how singleness can really get to people in their 20s. And I said, “I want to be loved the way I love people”. Cue this song, and it hit me...I have never gotten flowers! Yes, I can buy myself flowers, but what does it feel like to receive flowers? I really don’t know.

This realization that I may have never received love the way I wanted to be loved (especially in romantic relationships) made me think about this fundamental question ‘What makes us feel loved?’

In my attempt to understand what makes me feel the most loved and validated, I thought of an idea that might help you, if you are someone like me, looking for love or in love.

Let’s go the good-old route, shall we?

Step 1: Read

I have spoken about the five love languages by Gary Chapman on my blog before. If you haven’t read that yet, here’s a link to that.

In summation, the theory speaks extensively about the various forms of displays of love that work for us. While it doesn’t speak of the specifics, I believe it is a good starting point for anyone navigating the roads of self-discovery of love and companionship. Once we understand what works in general, we can move to the specifics.

Step 2: Reflect

Do you have a journal, a piece of paper, a pen or your notes app? Take it out…get to a quiet place where you can hear yourself think and try answering these questions –

Ps. If you do not like to write, you can always record a voice note and play it back for yourself to listen and reflect.

            a)     Describe a moment/incident in your life where you felt the most loved

Try going into as much detail as possible. The setting, the person, your relationship with them, your mood that day, what it became after the incident, why you still remember that incident…get it all out.

            b)     List out the ways in which you like to show love to your loved ones

Think of specific acts you have done, words you say, and habits you follow that make your loved ones feel loved.

            c)     Pick out items from the list which you would want to be reciprocated in your life

You can add an additional element to this by listing whom you would like to engage in these activities – are they your family, friends, partner or all of them? How frequently and in what moods/situations would you want the items in this list to happen to you?

            d)     Pick out items from the list that someone has done for you

At this stage, if you notice a huge gap between what you do, what you want and what you get in terms of expressions of love, that’s a sign for you to know that there has been a tremendous communication gap. And this is where the most crucial step of it all comes in.

Step 3: Communicate

We usually tend to love the way we want to love without thinking about what the other person wants from us. In a similar vein, often times we are loved the way others think we want to be loved, not necessarily how we want to be.

And now that we have this list of “What makes me feel loved? – When, How and By Whom – A friendly guide for my loved ones”, ready to go, it is the time for us to communicate. To tell our loved one’s that hey, while I appreciate the things you do and say to show you care, these are the things you can do to make me feel cared for.

Knowing what makes the love bug in us tick can lay strong foundations in new relationships and strengthen established ones.

Even though I started off this blog thinking I was making a friendly guide for all the single Pringles out there, I now realise that anyone who wants to feel loved the right way can use this.

And while all my committed humans are at it, don’t forget to ask your partners the fundamental question, ‘What makes you feel the most loved?’